Today: 2 years

7 Oct

They say that love and relationships are hard to find, hard to deal with and hard to keep.

It’s worth it. As long as you over come that difficulty.

I’m one of these true romantics, I love being made like I am the only one in the room, the only thing that matters, the only thing that was worth fighting for. Self centered? Yeah probably, but I tend to go all in, so i’m there i’m the same back.

2 years ago one of my boyfriends broke up with me. We’d been together for 2 years, survived my first year at uni, survived his freshers week the year after and then he decided he couldn’t do the distance – in more than one sense. His perogative I guess but ultimately devestating for me.

Although full of spite – as you get when you break up, no matter what the situation – I decided a new lease of freedom was good for me, yes i had a couple of other boyfriends since, but none that really had the same meaning as he did. Now it has come to my attention just how much ‘damage’ it caused me, i use the word damaged lightly because in all sense and purposes i’m fine. I just get all flimsy with guys, I just can’t be bothered with them because they’re just going to leave anyway, or that’s what I’ve come to persuade myself anyway.

Although at the rip old age of 21, I am pretty terrible at remembering key moments in my life, I tend to remember the random ones;

  • Sheltering under an aeroplane wing at an airshow during the rain,
  • going past Swindon on the train and listening to the defining song of my university life, I was moving to university, on my own, defining track for me.
  • My first marksman badge at cadets
  • my first clay that i broke at shooting for the uni
  • the decision to go camping with the shooting crew
  • the christmas me and my brother had at 5 in the morning
  • The day a young girl said she wanted to do a physics degree so she could drive the train at Legoland
  • painting my nails with permenant marker whilst watching finding nemo at 6am at a sleepover
  • The first time my boyfriend held my hand
  • The look on his face as he walked out the door…

Yes the last point is mildly depressing but that look has stuck with me, He didn’t love me anymore but he cared enough to be hurt by the fact he was hurting me. I am still sad to say it still hurts to this day. I had the happiest and the saddest day of my life with him. It’s a bit hard to try and replace that!

I’m not looking for anyone right now, I don’t think I could manage it either, what with my final year where i have already taken on much more than i probably should, (and staying up till the early hours watching the F1 doesn’t help…) a relationship would screw me over, then what would i do after uni? I want to make a name for myself, I’m going to make a name for myself.

I’m not sure whether him leaving made me stronger or just more cynical about well, everything. I know I have become determined not to let anybody hurt me again, in anyway.

Anybody who can break down that wall, get through the caves, across the ocean, to the pub and find me in the corner silently chugging cider I would give a chance at, but i’m pretty hard work to convince otherwise.

I am the most important person in my life. Over the next 2 years I plan to become even more important, and i’m not too bothered how people react to that.

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