Archive | August, 2012

Today: The Episode

15 Aug

Those who have suffered panic attacks will know where I come from in the following blog post. I hope those who don’t know what it’s like read the following and gain an understanding of what we have to go through.

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I was on the final day off on my withdrawal programme for my tablets, which is one day on, two days off, I had been feeling a bit twitchy all day – suffering minor spasms which make my tummy knot up for about a second before relaxing out again, however I wasn’t feeling ‘right’.

It got to the evening and I was moody, my moods are all over the place when I am not on my tablets, and poor Charlie gets the brunt of it as I hold off it all at work. The Olympics were playing their ‘inspirational stories’ as it was the Sunday of the closing ceremony, something, I don’t know what, set me off, and I just went into our room to calm down, cry a bit, recover and to just have some alone time.

Unfortunately this didn’t happen.

I sat on the edge of the bed and could feel tears coming down my face, except I couldn’t. It’s hard to explain but the best way I can is that I was just numb, emotionally I couldn’t understand why I was numb, physiically I could feel everything, but it was like their was a blanket wrapped around me, I could feel the pressure, but nothing else. The only way I thought I could snap myself out of it was slapping myself across the face, a reasonable thought as this is what happens in TV shows.

What happened next I wasn’t expecting, I got angry.

I felt like I wanted to punch something, So I did. I punched my chest of drawers, and for 10 fleeting seconds it was like reality hit. I could sense things feel things again. My heart was still racing and after these 10 seconds I started getting the twitchy feelings again, and my hands started to curl and cramp and the blanket swept over me again.

It was all these noises and me sobbing that caused Charlie to come in. Supportive as ever, I just couldn’t explain what I was (or in this case wasn’t feeling) So I snapped out, but instead of a slap across my face It was my own fist that hit the side of my face, it made my ears ring I hit that hard.

Charlie acted instinctively and held my arms above my head, looking horrified. How could I do that to myself? Looking back I can’t imagine doing that to myself. I just cried. I buried my face into him and tried to scream, but I couldn’t. I just screached out hot air. not even making a noise.

I continued until my twitching stopped, and all I could do was cry. I got up and Charlie took me to the sofa, I played a mine numbing game on his phone until i felt my heart rate coming down.

This was the worst episode I think I have had. I wasn’t sick or felt sick, I wanted to hurt myself.

Would you call it hurting yourself? I was trying to feel again, trying to get through this invisible blanket surrounding me, stopping me from having any of my senses.

It freaked me out, and since I am off on holiday next week I am even more freaked out it will happen there, which when you suffer with anxiety disorders, the worst thing that can happen is being anxious about being anxious. I just have to stick it out. I want to come off the tablets, and I am getting better, I honestly don’t know what happened.

All I know is that I hope it doesn’t happen again.

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Today: The Lasting Legacy

12 Aug

The end of the Olympics has arrived, have you been inspired? Do you now have a role model worthy of recognition?

I have already spoken out to say that I have been inspired to “Keep calm and carry on”, to keep up with my goal to run 5k in half an hour, to get healthy and fit.

This week has been a continuing progress, Charlie and I have stuck to our running routine, and I have hit 3 days this week where I have had less than 1500 calories in a day.

Next week is the final week before the holiday! Which means I will be away for the next weigh in, but I shall post on Friday evening, and weigh in then to still plot on my graph. Tomorrow is the third weigh in of this dieting attempt. Where there will be another graph to look at.

So as Chariots of fire plays on and on again (as it will be stuck in our heads for months to come) What’s your slow motion moment going to be? Mine will hopefully be me getting to 5km in less than 30 mins….. I hope you all share you slow motion moments as well!

And if further inspiration is needed Here is my inspirational pick,

Rascal Flatts – Stand

Today: The return of ‘the graph’

6 Aug

As I said yesterday, today was weigh in day. I weigh a glorious over achieving 11st 11lbs. I over achieve when it comes to retaining weight you see.

I have decided to put up the weights of F1 drivers and compare myself to them, I’ve only put a couple up at the moment, but each one is a separate goal. I don’t think I will get down to 127lbs, that of Kamui Kobayashi! But a shot at Heikki Kovalinen (141) is a better option.

As you can see I match that of the manly chiseled jaw of Mark Webber, who shares his weight with Vitaly Petrov. (Paul Di Resta takes the heaviest weight of 172lbs!), my next goal is Nico Hulkenberg, at 163lbs, it’s only a 2lb drop from my current weight, but I’m sure it will still be a challenge!

Here is the graph:

 

 

Running went well today, 2 mins run, 2 mins walk, produced a Nike+ graph that looks like this:

 

 

Very smooth don’t you think? I was the pace setter for this, which was good! Charlie got a good ‘view’ and I could just run without feeling like I had to catch up. The last interval seems quicker just because I was taking smaller steps quicker, and Nike+ works by measuring the impacts of your feet.

Still pretty consistent. According to runkeeper Charlie and I ran the second 2min the quickest at 9min/miles. I think I will take pace information from Runkeeper, but average pace from Nike, or something like that!

Anyway, today has been good, and going for the 30min 5k is getting slowly closer!

Today: The Comparison

5 Aug

London 2012 has thrown up alot of fantastic role models for the future stars  of GB athletics.

But what of the generation that is ‘past its peak’ as such? I would classify myself (at the ripe old age of 23) in this category.

However just like the younger generation I feel inspired, I have been running now since February and I have decided on a goal, 5k in 30mins or less, this is about 10 min miles or 6min km, which I think is pretty reasonable. Then I saw the Olympic world recird time… UNDER 15 MINS. No joke I actually felt like laughing, I couldn’t comprehend running that fast! Looking at the Likes of Mo Farah and Jessica Ennis (who did the 800m in 2:07 mins)  they just don’t look like they are going fast! I’m sure if they zoomed out on the TV shots a bit they would be going EPICALLY quick.

I feel very motivated to give it ago, not doing 5km in under 15mins, but hitting the 5km distance at least. Something which Charlie and I are training for (ish) Monday is Run 2min Walk 2min repeat 5 times. Which doesn’t sound that bad, but go and try it and NOT be out of breath by the end of it. It’s hard.

It’s weigh in day tomorrow, after the run and before dinner, I’ll try and keep you all posted!

I’m loving the fact that the Olympics bring out all the “Sunday league-ers”, All those who never watch sport normally, but instantly have an opinion and high level of knowledge about everything, I’m not immune, I just find it amusing how everyone seems to give a crap!

What’s even more funny is how people complain about what sports are in the Olympics, Football for example, is it necessary? Why is it different? Why should we let a bunch of whimps represent GB?

I just leave it, people think the same about Rowing, about Hockey, about Handball, about Table Tennis and shooting to name but a few. But this even is where everyone is on that level playing field (football has an age limit on, they are still athletes and more talented than anyone I have seen commenting on their skill or fitness). Everyone is at their peak and the world is watching. They want to impress, and even if they miss a penalty, they will still feel like they have lost it all.

Just remember if you start bad mouthing what someone does, just be prepared for them to say “Well you do it better”, Something that Rebecca Adlington pretty much said when she won Bronze, “I have just won Bronze in one of the hardest sports, I have done very well, Not many people can say that”.

Can you?

 

Today: The Fantastic 4

3 Aug

August 3rd 2012

Calories consumed 1410

Sit ups completed 200

Other toning exercises 200

Blogging on harriparf completed

That is 4 stars earned today on my star chart! My own personal record whilst other world records are being broken at the London 2012 Olympic games.

It was a burst of Energy that inspired me today, I felt I just had to achieve it and so I did!

Tomorrow will be a bit more of a challenge, I’m currently on my best streak for saving calories (2 days…) So I’m hoping tomorrow I will continue my trend!

I’m doing something a bit different to what I previously did, I’m not minusing the calories I use up from exercise, So I’m literally only looking at what I consume. I’m trying to burn between 200 and 500 calories a day from walking and running, I use my ipod as a pedometer and do about 4500 steps a day without running, which is pretty poor! 

I would say I’m aiming for 10000 a day, but I’m not sure how I could manage that. But it could be something I aim to do whilst I’m on holiday!

Monday is the next weigh in day, so I will find out how this week has gone after work, I have been well behaved all week so I’m really hoping for a loss!! 

I’m also trying to do the whole ‘ask yourself if you are really hungry or not’ thing, however I like food to much. But I did resist the second packet of quavers that fell out the macing today, and resisted more fruit just because it was there and healthy. Upward battle, but I’m beginning to push back!

I was back on my tablets today, after having 2 days off. I spent the first half of the day feeling high as a kite, and not really with it, or myself, but I am feeling more normal now. 2 days off again from tomorrow So expect a sad post over the weekend. But an honest one at least! 

Today: The Early Demise?

1 Aug

So on my usual troll of the BBC News website, I found myself come across an expectedly dramatic title:

Mild Mental Illness ‘Death risk‘”

Now, as I suffer from Panic disorder, something which I have spoken about before – think depression, but more intense spouts of panic and anxiety instead, for no reason – and something I think I will continue to speak openly on this blog about.

This did infact send me into one of those sinking feelings, and reading through I was skeptical. Are the percentages in context? Is this from a reputable source?

Dr Tom Russ said: “The fact that an increased risk of mortality was evident, even at low levels of psychological distress, should prompt research into whether treatment of these very common, minor symptoms can modify this increased risk of death.”

I did a huge google search of a Dr Tom Rush  and have discovered he is who he says he is in the video clip so I would say the source is confirmed, however since I don’t subscribe to the British Medical Journal, I can’t check the paper for more detail.

Should I be worried? Well, considering the risk of a premature death is increased by 16% – 67% (lowest level of stress to highest) I would put myself at 25% more likely, as I only have attacks when I’m off my tablets, and I don’t care what the doctor says, Charlie can tell, and I can feel it when I have forgotten my Citalopram, I become more snappy and stressed.

But being 25% closer to death when the age we are living to is an ever increasing number isn’t that scary. I’d be quite happy to make it to 80.

This does start to make me question whether I should come off my Citalopram, since I had my first prescription I have since halved my dosage (over 4 years), and the doctor now thinks I should come off it. But if I come off it and become more stressed and anxious, then wouldn’t that just be an increase on the risk of my early demise?

If the BBC article is to be taken literally, then the work I have done to bring my life back to normality and to work my way off the tablets and learn to cope with the increased stress and anxiety will not be worth it. I don’t want an increased level in stress or anxiety, it can totally ruin you. Nights out? You can get wound up by just being in the room with lots of people. Have guests coming round? Just the thought of entertaining and everything having to be perfect can send you over the edge, especially when it doesn’t all go to plan (eg under-cooked veg can upset you). Taking exams? – Forget the 2:1 you promised yourself, the inner battle you have to face to just to calm your brain down to retain the information is hard enough, a battle I wish I hadn’t tried to fight alone.

Not talking about it is one of the bigger battles. Everyone wonders what’s wrong, and all they can see is you struggling, and after a while it’s all they expect of you. I wish I had told Uni about it because then I could have got more help. Even though at the time I thought I was getting the best care from my GP (the best GP I have ever had!).

Thankfully I have Charlie now, he thinks I should try and come off the tablets, One day on Two days off then less.

I’m still not sure if I should be putting myself through this stress, especially as I snap at the smallest thing and then get even more anxious and unnecessarily stressed at the thought that I am driving him away. I’m kind of stuck as to where to go now, follow my GPs instructions? Or follow my body rejecting withdrawal and the drive to my early demise and just keep on the tablets, which seem to be keeping my sanity and emotions in check..