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Today: Days 6, 7 and 8

21 Aug

My nails went perrrfeeeccctttlllyyyy!

I’m very happy with them

my_nails

I had a pretty quiet day on my day 6 of pinning, I picked a gardening one, which was more a reminder to me to go and water my pot with my tomatinos in!

toma

There are flowers on them already, I’m so chuffed I’ve managed to keep them alive!

Day 7 for me was getting on with my quilt. I’ve pinned so much under my ‘home-maker’ board about it, and I have all the stuff, I just had to get on with it!

quilt

I picked two of my fabric colours, and cut out some 4″ x 4″ squares… But man they are small… I’m going to have to rethink how big they will be. I may move to 8″x8″ squares… But im not scared of my cutter any more.

I think I need to use my scissors more though….

Day 8!

This day was a mental relaxation day. I was highly strung with Anxiety so I had to try some breathing exercises at my desk.

panic

It helps immensely actually, I recommend trying it!

Day 9!
declutter my wardrobe/closet/clothes….

wardrobe

This is severely needed. And I nee dto be brutal…

I’ll write tomorrow how this one goes. It’s gona be tough. But If I can at least make a start, I’ll be well on my way!!

I’ve also made a list of everything I *need*…. as this diagram can go around in a circle!

It’s been a tough few days for me. This is actually a really good challenge of doing a pin a day… I just need to try and keep up with telling everyone!!

Remember to follow my ramblings on twitter @Harriparf and my board on Pinterest

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Today: Day 3, Mental Care

15 Aug

I’m stark raving bonkers.

Yep.

SO yesterday I did the body bum work out thing… it hurt and burned a bit! Felt pretty good though. I’m definitely taking those squats and lunges and adding it into a warm up routine!

Today, the hubby and I have been out for lunch with the family, so my day has been taken up socialising in the sunshine and eating lovely food with sweet company. Which means I don’t have much time to ‘do’ anything else.

Obviously I’m sat on my sofa playing some games and talking with friends and watching Saturday night television!! But I wanted to add a pin today that I could still do.

I’ve decided that today should be about mental wellbeing… Nothing drastic like Yoga in 16 awkward positions whilst breathing through your nose and humming, but something simple to get me away from it all!

So here it is:

keepcalm

 

Simple.

I’m going to go make a cup of tea now.

I have a book about the perils of running a friend lent me that I really haven’t finished yet that I should really aim to. So tonight I’m going to make a dent in it.

10:30 pm will be my ‘up to bed’ time. I’ve got to make sure I step away, get into my PJs and put some chill music on and read for a bit. Even just one chapter! God I miss reading…

I know It’s silly to say, but I won’t read books that are in the middle of a film or TV series. It’s like I’ve got to stick to one medium?

I’m still reading Lord of the Rings… THAT’S a hard book to get through, very detailed and good, but its very hard to get into properly.

In fact… here’s a list of books:

  • Lord of the Rings – reading, hard to finish
  • Body Book – Cameron Diaz autobiography. Easy reading, could finish in an afternoon
  • The Hunger Games (Trilogy) – Need to wait for the films to finish, then I will be all over these!
  • Sense and Sensibility – TRYING to read this, but the style is strange for me!
  • Pride and Prejudice – Can’t wait to start on this!
  • Little House (all the stories!) – I have to read these again. 
  • Anne of Green Gables – same here, I have to read them again, to take the full story in as I just cant remember it properly
  • A Year of Losing the Dating Game – someone from school has written a book… I feel I should read it as it does sound hilarious!

Anyway… One day when I have a nice big bay window that I can sit in with the tv on and lots of pillows, I can read. Or in my big big garden.. A girl can dream?

Don’t forget to follow my board on Pinterest, and throw me a follow on twitter to: @harriparf

Today: Day 2, Changes Already – A Pin a Day

14 Aug

So yesterday was alright.

I didn’t run as an entire cold front dumped itself on Milton Keynes, and, after a couple of weekends a go when I ran 10k in the pouring rain. It didn’t appeal to me.

This made me realise.. I’m not motivated to run.

At this moment in time I dread every training run. My “go out and see how things are” runs are ok, because i literally just go and see how it is. But training runs with distances and pacing… well they are turning me into a bit of a nervous wreck.

So I’m pulling out of my half marathon at the end of September.

I started running to challenge myself and i ended up enjoying it. Now if i’m not enjoying it I don’t want to do it or finish any distance i’m on, or anything that happens on a run completely phases me, and i’m ruined. Then I feel like a failure.

Why continue to train for something you aren’t looking forward too?

When I was training for Paris, I was really looking forward to it. Yes I was scared, Yes I was nervous, Yes I didn’t think I would make it, but I believed I could, and I enjoyed pushing myself. That’s just not there this time.

I’ll get it back I’m sure! But right now It can’t be on the table.

So, I guess that means I can throw myself in my next annual goal of losing 10lbs (Half the issue with the Half was that it wasn’t really on my ‘plan’.. ).

CORRECT!

I really like this idea of “a pin a day” as well, something little to push me through the next few weeks.

My weight on my motivation board got to 186 pounds, which means to reach my goal i need to get to 176.

I just weighed in today and i’m back up to 191 pounds 😦

I can’t lose motivation again…

10lbs to go! That’s what I have to focus on… so I guess I have two goals, the realistic 191 – 181, and the ideal of getting it down to 176.

So lets hope my pin a day helps with it!

Today i’ve pinned the best butt workout. I’m gonna lay my mat out on my landing and have a good time of it 🙂

best butt

Yesterday I managed pretty much everything on my list, except the milkshake… but we ordered cookies so that’s still fun 🙂

Now today I’ve just gotta hope my knee doesnt die when I start this.

Talk Tomorrow!

Today: Achievement and Gratitude

3 Feb

Yes yes yes I know.

Well you’re not in my head so you don’t know.

So, whilst I was out on my club run tonight, I got about a mile and a half in and I was getting a bit down. I was dead last in a group id never run with before, I was slower than all of them by at least a minute and I considered dropping out every errrr 16 paces?

But then I started thinking about all those ‘motivational memes’ and images you see on Pinterest, and you pin thinking “hell yeah that’s gonna be me!” When in reality, you get to the front door, start the car and question why you insist on doing this to yourself… Those memes.

Seriously, I was cursing them all in my head. I was like “fuck off I know I can grow babies but 13.1 miles will still hurt like anything” and then I decided to make my own achievements up.

This kinda links with gratitude here – bare with me!

So people stay motivated in different ways. I like showing off that I just destroyed 4 miles. Even if I hated every second of it, hitting that share button to 3 social media sites in one go is like my justification. I did it, what did you do? All that stuffs.

I think my first ever achievement was getting out the door. Cheesey I know, but seriously, finding a place for your keys, setting that app up and fiddling with your music till you find that right song… And bam. Achievement unlocked and you’re out the door!

I started to remember all the little goals I set myself: “Get to 1km” “round your running to 10mins” “why stop you’re over halfway!” It made me smile on the cold run from hell in the scary group.

Before I knew it we were 2.5 miles in, and I was starting to be happier with my achievements. I realised all my sharing and showing off may appear self centred and irritating to some, but I know to me, that I was finally saying “look I did it, I said I would”. Whether that is a stick it to the masses or what I don’t know. But I’m glad I do it!

It makes me grateful for my friends and family, they put up with my moaning and groaning and my “I ran 4 miles last night I’m gonna hurt today” and the best “I wish I could foam roller it all out in the office”. The latter because apparently it’s poor form to ask people to rub you down! Who knew. I don’t get judged, and sometimes I even get a well done. Which at least means they read my posts every now and then!!

My poor husband has had to deal with my drippy head, post run coughs and the large amount of smelly running gear that gets washed. But he does get to watch me stretch it out when I get home. Which I totally don’t play up to…

I was thinking all of this when suddenly I was on the home stretch. The tail runner who was with me had a Garmin that beeped for 4 miles and I was done. I felt good after a quick shake off, and say in the car getting my breath back whilst I uploaded all my info to facebook.

Because how would you know I was running if I didn’t tell you?

Tomorrow I’m going to not feel like having a panic attack and appreciate what I did tonight.

And tea. Drink tea not coffee…

What’s your next achievement going to be?

IMG_3082

Today: Well It’s Not All Going To Plan

9 May

Don’t get me started.

O you’re here reading? Fair enough, I’ll enlighten you on a few things:

  • Charlie is starting a masters in Milton Keynes in October, I’m starting it the year later [YAY]
  • We have to move to Milton Keynes between now and October [EASY]
  • We are getting married in August [YAY]
  • Honeymoon in September [YAY]
  • Need to find a new job [NO BIGGIE]
  • We have to move out of this flat by June 21st [OK THATS MANAGEABLE]
  • Our invite RSVP deadline is June 21st [FORWARD IT YOU IDIOT]
  • Charlie finishes his current course on June 21st [OK..]
  • Nowhere in Cheltenham does a 12 week let that isn’t a holiday let or a bedsit [AWKWARD]
  • It’s currently 7 weeks till we have to move out [GETTING CLOSE]
  • We have to move out on a Friday [ARGH]

All of this would be fine if our landlords weren’t the worst organisation on the planet. They are not registered with any governing body, nor do they seem to understand that people live in the flat, hence it may not be in ‘pristine conditiong’ upon inspection. All their staff are miserable with horrific customer service/relation skills. As soon as we get our instructions for never having to talk to the poor excuse for a letting agent, they will be getting a complaint. I don’t care that we have to move out, it’s the owners decision to want to sell on. But we have been patronised and bullied to the point that I got ill I was so stressed out.

Apparently forgetting to hoover and using the toilet is grounds for them to inspect us again? UGH. Now wonder there were no agency fees, I would feel sick having to pay for any of their services.

They are Northwood letting agents in Cheltenham. This is their website: http://www.northwooduk.com/

NEVER USE THEM.

—————–

Right. Onto more positive things:

WE ARE MOVING TO MILTON KEYNES AAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Most of the wedding stuff is now organised! It is literally just minor details, and paying! We are getting RSVPs in and all is well 🙂 I have just found out as well that I can get ready at the venue, which is a massive load off my mind!

It is just our living arrangements now, if I had a job we would just move to MK sooner, but interviews/applications and everything take time.

Anyway, I’ve just made banana cake! AND it’s just cooked. tarra!

 

 

 

Today: Personal development

16 Oct

So yes, everything is rolling now. The wedding has been booked and I am now on my ‘get ready, set go!’ routine, which involves a stricter diet (yeah I caved in on two for tuesdays. But only had half a pizza and cookies… and garlic bread, to be fair i’ve been good all day!) Gymming three time a week, and choosing the final details about the wedding!

i have also taken it upon myself to learn python, though the edX program, my course is run by MIT and it’s quite challenging. It advises users that you will need 12 hours a week to complete the course, however I definately spent 12 hours just on the problem sheets this week! It would have been less, however their systems don’t like slow code. And mine was slow… it got to the right answer! just… slow. Who knew that a ‘for’ loop did the same as ‘month=0, run though everything until month=12’.

Still at least I’m learning!

It’s pretty hard at the moment, i’ve got a lot of things to look after. Washing, Washing up, wedding, making the bed, cleaning the bathrooms, studying, working, going to the gym, cleaning up… It adds up in a day. Not to mention the tutoring I do twice a week.

Stress levels are through the roof at the moment, BUT. I have a long weekend at the end of October. Which includes wedding dress shopping!!!

All I’m hoping is the next few weeks are just smooth. I don’t think I can cope with any major/big upset. Or change.

Who am I kidding? I just want my blanket and to stay in bed all day. blah!

Today: I finally win

30 Sep

From the title of this post and the last couple I have posted, I think it’s time to properly announce myself. I have been 4 weeks without my citalopram, Charlie flushed my remaining 3 pills as it did get to a point where I just wanted to start again, but they are gone.

As are my twitches and any other nasty side effects, except the presence of a reduced appetite. Which if I’m honest, I’m not complaining about!!

I’m happy that its over with. Now I can get back onto my exercises, plan what I’m going to be doing, and not be hindered by stupid panic attacks. It also means I can get back to blogging about f1. And building up my science blog more! Better write my to do list for tomorrow 🙂 it’s nice to feel free again!

Today: 11 days without Citalopram

12 Sep

Now you may remember I have previously posted about my issues with anxiety and the tablets that I have been slowly coming off for the past six weeks.

A week ago last Saturday I couldn’t face taking a tablet. So I didn’t, I did this everyday, and have made it everyday for 11 days.

I’m having random twitches but apart from that, I’m coming off them well. My head feels a bit clearer and I think I’m getting to a more ‘normal’ place. At least if you ignore my loss of appetite and my even more intolerant personality.

I’m just less patient at the moment. But after all the panic attacks, previous withdrawals and going back on my tablets, these symptoms are the best.

The worst I’ve had? The onset of panic attacks, lower limb weakness and severe sickness.

I’m making it through the other side thankfully, and this time I plan on staying there.

Today: The Episode

15 Aug

Those who have suffered panic attacks will know where I come from in the following blog post. I hope those who don’t know what it’s like read the following and gain an understanding of what we have to go through.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

I was on the final day off on my withdrawal programme for my tablets, which is one day on, two days off, I had been feeling a bit twitchy all day – suffering minor spasms which make my tummy knot up for about a second before relaxing out again, however I wasn’t feeling ‘right’.

It got to the evening and I was moody, my moods are all over the place when I am not on my tablets, and poor Charlie gets the brunt of it as I hold off it all at work. The Olympics were playing their ‘inspirational stories’ as it was the Sunday of the closing ceremony, something, I don’t know what, set me off, and I just went into our room to calm down, cry a bit, recover and to just have some alone time.

Unfortunately this didn’t happen.

I sat on the edge of the bed and could feel tears coming down my face, except I couldn’t. It’s hard to explain but the best way I can is that I was just numb, emotionally I couldn’t understand why I was numb, physiically I could feel everything, but it was like their was a blanket wrapped around me, I could feel the pressure, but nothing else. The only way I thought I could snap myself out of it was slapping myself across the face, a reasonable thought as this is what happens in TV shows.

What happened next I wasn’t expecting, I got angry.

I felt like I wanted to punch something, So I did. I punched my chest of drawers, and for 10 fleeting seconds it was like reality hit. I could sense things feel things again. My heart was still racing and after these 10 seconds I started getting the twitchy feelings again, and my hands started to curl and cramp and the blanket swept over me again.

It was all these noises and me sobbing that caused Charlie to come in. Supportive as ever, I just couldn’t explain what I was (or in this case wasn’t feeling) So I snapped out, but instead of a slap across my face It was my own fist that hit the side of my face, it made my ears ring I hit that hard.

Charlie acted instinctively and held my arms above my head, looking horrified. How could I do that to myself? Looking back I can’t imagine doing that to myself. I just cried. I buried my face into him and tried to scream, but I couldn’t. I just screached out hot air. not even making a noise.

I continued until my twitching stopped, and all I could do was cry. I got up and Charlie took me to the sofa, I played a mine numbing game on his phone until i felt my heart rate coming down.

This was the worst episode I think I have had. I wasn’t sick or felt sick, I wanted to hurt myself.

Would you call it hurting yourself? I was trying to feel again, trying to get through this invisible blanket surrounding me, stopping me from having any of my senses.

It freaked me out, and since I am off on holiday next week I am even more freaked out it will happen there, which when you suffer with anxiety disorders, the worst thing that can happen is being anxious about being anxious. I just have to stick it out. I want to come off the tablets, and I am getting better, I honestly don’t know what happened.

All I know is that I hope it doesn’t happen again.