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Today: Day 3, Mental Care

15 Aug

I’m stark raving bonkers.

Yep.

SO yesterday I did the body bum work out thing… it hurt and burned a bit! Felt pretty good though. I’m definitely taking those squats and lunges and adding it into a warm up routine!

Today, the hubby and I have been out for lunch with the family, so my day has been taken up socialising in the sunshine and eating lovely food with sweet company. Which means I don’t have much time to ‘do’ anything else.

Obviously I’m sat on my sofa playing some games and talking with friends and watching Saturday night television!! But I wanted to add a pin today that I could still do.

I’ve decided that today should be about mental wellbeing… Nothing drastic like Yoga in 16 awkward positions whilst breathing through your nose and humming, but something simple to get me away from it all!

So here it is:

keepcalm

 

Simple.

I’m going to go make a cup of tea now.

I have a book about the perils of running a friend lent me that I really haven’t finished yet that I should really aim to. So tonight I’m going to make a dent in it.

10:30 pm will be my ‘up to bed’ time. I’ve got to make sure I step away, get into my PJs and put some chill music on and read for a bit. Even just one chapter! God I miss reading…

I know It’s silly to say, but I won’t read books that are in the middle of a film or TV series. It’s like I’ve got to stick to one medium?

I’m still reading Lord of the Rings… THAT’S a hard book to get through, very detailed and good, but its very hard to get into properly.

In fact… here’s a list of books:

  • Lord of the Rings – reading, hard to finish
  • Body Book – Cameron Diaz autobiography. Easy reading, could finish in an afternoon
  • The Hunger Games (Trilogy) – Need to wait for the films to finish, then I will be all over these!
  • Sense and Sensibility – TRYING to read this, but the style is strange for me!
  • Pride and Prejudice – Can’t wait to start on this!
  • Little House (all the stories!) – I have to read these again. 
  • Anne of Green Gables – same here, I have to read them again, to take the full story in as I just cant remember it properly
  • A Year of Losing the Dating Game – someone from school has written a book… I feel I should read it as it does sound hilarious!

Anyway… One day when I have a nice big bay window that I can sit in with the tv on and lots of pillows, I can read. Or in my big big garden.. A girl can dream?

Don’t forget to follow my board on Pinterest, and throw me a follow on twitter to: @harriparf

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Today: Day 2, Changes Already – A Pin a Day

14 Aug

So yesterday was alright.

I didn’t run as an entire cold front dumped itself on Milton Keynes, and, after a couple of weekends a go when I ran 10k in the pouring rain. It didn’t appeal to me.

This made me realise.. I’m not motivated to run.

At this moment in time I dread every training run. My “go out and see how things are” runs are ok, because i literally just go and see how it is. But training runs with distances and pacing… well they are turning me into a bit of a nervous wreck.

So I’m pulling out of my half marathon at the end of September.

I started running to challenge myself and i ended up enjoying it. Now if i’m not enjoying it I don’t want to do it or finish any distance i’m on, or anything that happens on a run completely phases me, and i’m ruined. Then I feel like a failure.

Why continue to train for something you aren’t looking forward too?

When I was training for Paris, I was really looking forward to it. Yes I was scared, Yes I was nervous, Yes I didn’t think I would make it, but I believed I could, and I enjoyed pushing myself. That’s just not there this time.

I’ll get it back I’m sure! But right now It can’t be on the table.

So, I guess that means I can throw myself in my next annual goal of losing 10lbs (Half the issue with the Half was that it wasn’t really on my ‘plan’.. ).

CORRECT!

I really like this idea of “a pin a day” as well, something little to push me through the next few weeks.

My weight on my motivation board got to 186 pounds, which means to reach my goal i need to get to 176.

I just weighed in today and i’m back up to 191 pounds 😦

I can’t lose motivation again…

10lbs to go! That’s what I have to focus on… so I guess I have two goals, the realistic 191 – 181, and the ideal of getting it down to 176.

So lets hope my pin a day helps with it!

Today i’ve pinned the best butt workout. I’m gonna lay my mat out on my landing and have a good time of it 🙂

best butt

Yesterday I managed pretty much everything on my list, except the milkshake… but we ordered cookies so that’s still fun 🙂

Now today I’ve just gotta hope my knee doesnt die when I start this.

Talk Tomorrow!

Today: A Pin a Day

13 Aug

O dear lord

So I have been neglecting this because reently I have become a little (alot) embaressed at any progress I made.

My Q2 Goal was to run a sub 35min 5km.

I smashed it :p Yeah I got a 33:33 at Buckingham Parkrun. It was Glorious!

Then we had waffles.

Im almost at the end of my Q3 goal, though, technically i guess i have until the end of September? Anyway, lose 10lbs.

It’s hard.

I’m trying to find one thing to focus on to improve, and I am really REALLY struggling.

So, I need a new plan for the remaining 6.5 weeks:

  1. I know I have a half marathon to run on September 27th, which is right at the end, so I can incorporate any training for that into this new plan.
  2.  I run my long runs on Sundays, my short runs on Tuesdays, and any ‘technical’ runs (sprints/tempo/hills) on Thursday. So my week kinda goes Tu – 2-3 miles, Th-         4-6 miles, Sun 6 +
  3. (At least I am now at a point where I’m not scared to just hop out and run 6 miles!)
  4. I love Pinterest. Far too much

So my new plan:

6.5 weeks = 6.5*7 = 45.5 days, So for ease, I’ll say 45 days.

I’ll pick 45 pins and i have to do one a day. It can be a workout, or some crafty thing, or weird breathing exercises… basically it has to be an activity.

Today, I’m running 4-6 miles (depending on how hard it is raining), then i have to do something… hmmmm

I’m searching across the ‘Everything’ Category:Everything

 

I guess I could do a beauty thing or a house cleaning thing?

Ah! Found a simple one, It’s a list of 10 things (last one is pray… i’ve cut it off as that’s not me)

atmosphereSo i could do this!

  • I would declutter the kitchen.
  • Put Music from my phone on
  • Light a scented candle (I still have one I think!)
  • Skip the brownies and make a milkshake
  • I have a beautiful Bouquette of flowers to arrange and find a place for
  • The Hubby’s gonna get a big grin from me!
  • I’ll be motivating myself by running… nothing is more encouraging than: “I’m running home now…”
  • Hugs are a rule whenever someone comes in the house. Snuggling and holding tight!
  • Ahhh Games… That will be played! And the Great Brittish Bakeoff from yesterday. Shouldn’t take more than an hour?
  • I’d shower after this and the run so i can play games and watch TV with a job done.

So that’s my idea. A pin a day and a blog a day… 45 days.

I best set the Commit reminder on my phone to pick a pin to do.

I’ve set a new board up: A Pin a Day, come follow if you like!

Till tomorrow!!

 

Today: Achievement and Gratitude

3 Feb

Yes yes yes I know.

Well you’re not in my head so you don’t know.

So, whilst I was out on my club run tonight, I got about a mile and a half in and I was getting a bit down. I was dead last in a group id never run with before, I was slower than all of them by at least a minute and I considered dropping out every errrr 16 paces?

But then I started thinking about all those ‘motivational memes’ and images you see on Pinterest, and you pin thinking “hell yeah that’s gonna be me!” When in reality, you get to the front door, start the car and question why you insist on doing this to yourself… Those memes.

Seriously, I was cursing them all in my head. I was like “fuck off I know I can grow babies but 13.1 miles will still hurt like anything” and then I decided to make my own achievements up.

This kinda links with gratitude here – bare with me!

So people stay motivated in different ways. I like showing off that I just destroyed 4 miles. Even if I hated every second of it, hitting that share button to 3 social media sites in one go is like my justification. I did it, what did you do? All that stuffs.

I think my first ever achievement was getting out the door. Cheesey I know, but seriously, finding a place for your keys, setting that app up and fiddling with your music till you find that right song… And bam. Achievement unlocked and you’re out the door!

I started to remember all the little goals I set myself: “Get to 1km” “round your running to 10mins” “why stop you’re over halfway!” It made me smile on the cold run from hell in the scary group.

Before I knew it we were 2.5 miles in, and I was starting to be happier with my achievements. I realised all my sharing and showing off may appear self centred and irritating to some, but I know to me, that I was finally saying “look I did it, I said I would”. Whether that is a stick it to the masses or what I don’t know. But I’m glad I do it!

It makes me grateful for my friends and family, they put up with my moaning and groaning and my “I ran 4 miles last night I’m gonna hurt today” and the best “I wish I could foam roller it all out in the office”. The latter because apparently it’s poor form to ask people to rub you down! Who knew. I don’t get judged, and sometimes I even get a well done. Which at least means they read my posts every now and then!!

My poor husband has had to deal with my drippy head, post run coughs and the large amount of smelly running gear that gets washed. But he does get to watch me stretch it out when I get home. Which I totally don’t play up to…

I was thinking all of this when suddenly I was on the home stretch. The tail runner who was with me had a Garmin that beeped for 4 miles and I was done. I felt good after a quick shake off, and say in the car getting my breath back whilst I uploaded all my info to facebook.

Because how would you know I was running if I didn’t tell you?

Tomorrow I’m going to not feel like having a panic attack and appreciate what I did tonight.

And tea. Drink tea not coffee…

What’s your next achievement going to be?

IMG_3082

Today: I finally win

30 Sep

From the title of this post and the last couple I have posted, I think it’s time to properly announce myself. I have been 4 weeks without my citalopram, Charlie flushed my remaining 3 pills as it did get to a point where I just wanted to start again, but they are gone.

As are my twitches and any other nasty side effects, except the presence of a reduced appetite. Which if I’m honest, I’m not complaining about!!

I’m happy that its over with. Now I can get back onto my exercises, plan what I’m going to be doing, and not be hindered by stupid panic attacks. It also means I can get back to blogging about f1. And building up my science blog more! Better write my to do list for tomorrow 🙂 it’s nice to feel free again!

Today: 11 days without Citalopram

12 Sep

Now you may remember I have previously posted about my issues with anxiety and the tablets that I have been slowly coming off for the past six weeks.

A week ago last Saturday I couldn’t face taking a tablet. So I didn’t, I did this everyday, and have made it everyday for 11 days.

I’m having random twitches but apart from that, I’m coming off them well. My head feels a bit clearer and I think I’m getting to a more ‘normal’ place. At least if you ignore my loss of appetite and my even more intolerant personality.

I’m just less patient at the moment. But after all the panic attacks, previous withdrawals and going back on my tablets, these symptoms are the best.

The worst I’ve had? The onset of panic attacks, lower limb weakness and severe sickness.

I’m making it through the other side thankfully, and this time I plan on staying there.

Today: The Episode

15 Aug

Those who have suffered panic attacks will know where I come from in the following blog post. I hope those who don’t know what it’s like read the following and gain an understanding of what we have to go through.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

I was on the final day off on my withdrawal programme for my tablets, which is one day on, two days off, I had been feeling a bit twitchy all day – suffering minor spasms which make my tummy knot up for about a second before relaxing out again, however I wasn’t feeling ‘right’.

It got to the evening and I was moody, my moods are all over the place when I am not on my tablets, and poor Charlie gets the brunt of it as I hold off it all at work. The Olympics were playing their ‘inspirational stories’ as it was the Sunday of the closing ceremony, something, I don’t know what, set me off, and I just went into our room to calm down, cry a bit, recover and to just have some alone time.

Unfortunately this didn’t happen.

I sat on the edge of the bed and could feel tears coming down my face, except I couldn’t. It’s hard to explain but the best way I can is that I was just numb, emotionally I couldn’t understand why I was numb, physiically I could feel everything, but it was like their was a blanket wrapped around me, I could feel the pressure, but nothing else. The only way I thought I could snap myself out of it was slapping myself across the face, a reasonable thought as this is what happens in TV shows.

What happened next I wasn’t expecting, I got angry.

I felt like I wanted to punch something, So I did. I punched my chest of drawers, and for 10 fleeting seconds it was like reality hit. I could sense things feel things again. My heart was still racing and after these 10 seconds I started getting the twitchy feelings again, and my hands started to curl and cramp and the blanket swept over me again.

It was all these noises and me sobbing that caused Charlie to come in. Supportive as ever, I just couldn’t explain what I was (or in this case wasn’t feeling) So I snapped out, but instead of a slap across my face It was my own fist that hit the side of my face, it made my ears ring I hit that hard.

Charlie acted instinctively and held my arms above my head, looking horrified. How could I do that to myself? Looking back I can’t imagine doing that to myself. I just cried. I buried my face into him and tried to scream, but I couldn’t. I just screached out hot air. not even making a noise.

I continued until my twitching stopped, and all I could do was cry. I got up and Charlie took me to the sofa, I played a mine numbing game on his phone until i felt my heart rate coming down.

This was the worst episode I think I have had. I wasn’t sick or felt sick, I wanted to hurt myself.

Would you call it hurting yourself? I was trying to feel again, trying to get through this invisible blanket surrounding me, stopping me from having any of my senses.

It freaked me out, and since I am off on holiday next week I am even more freaked out it will happen there, which when you suffer with anxiety disorders, the worst thing that can happen is being anxious about being anxious. I just have to stick it out. I want to come off the tablets, and I am getting better, I honestly don’t know what happened.

All I know is that I hope it doesn’t happen again.

Today: The Lasting Legacy

12 Aug

The end of the Olympics has arrived, have you been inspired? Do you now have a role model worthy of recognition?

I have already spoken out to say that I have been inspired to “Keep calm and carry on”, to keep up with my goal to run 5k in half an hour, to get healthy and fit.

This week has been a continuing progress, Charlie and I have stuck to our running routine, and I have hit 3 days this week where I have had less than 1500 calories in a day.

Next week is the final week before the holiday! Which means I will be away for the next weigh in, but I shall post on Friday evening, and weigh in then to still plot on my graph. Tomorrow is the third weigh in of this dieting attempt. Where there will be another graph to look at.

So as Chariots of fire plays on and on again (as it will be stuck in our heads for months to come) What’s your slow motion moment going to be? Mine will hopefully be me getting to 5km in less than 30 mins….. I hope you all share you slow motion moments as well!

And if further inspiration is needed Here is my inspirational pick,

Rascal Flatts – Stand

Today: The Comparison

5 Aug

London 2012 has thrown up alot of fantastic role models for the future stars  of GB athletics.

But what of the generation that is ‘past its peak’ as such? I would classify myself (at the ripe old age of 23) in this category.

However just like the younger generation I feel inspired, I have been running now since February and I have decided on a goal, 5k in 30mins or less, this is about 10 min miles or 6min km, which I think is pretty reasonable. Then I saw the Olympic world recird time… UNDER 15 MINS. No joke I actually felt like laughing, I couldn’t comprehend running that fast! Looking at the Likes of Mo Farah and Jessica Ennis (who did the 800m in 2:07 mins)  they just don’t look like they are going fast! I’m sure if they zoomed out on the TV shots a bit they would be going EPICALLY quick.

I feel very motivated to give it ago, not doing 5km in under 15mins, but hitting the 5km distance at least. Something which Charlie and I are training for (ish) Monday is Run 2min Walk 2min repeat 5 times. Which doesn’t sound that bad, but go and try it and NOT be out of breath by the end of it. It’s hard.

It’s weigh in day tomorrow, after the run and before dinner, I’ll try and keep you all posted!

I’m loving the fact that the Olympics bring out all the “Sunday league-ers”, All those who never watch sport normally, but instantly have an opinion and high level of knowledge about everything, I’m not immune, I just find it amusing how everyone seems to give a crap!

What’s even more funny is how people complain about what sports are in the Olympics, Football for example, is it necessary? Why is it different? Why should we let a bunch of whimps represent GB?

I just leave it, people think the same about Rowing, about Hockey, about Handball, about Table Tennis and shooting to name but a few. But this even is where everyone is on that level playing field (football has an age limit on, they are still athletes and more talented than anyone I have seen commenting on their skill or fitness). Everyone is at their peak and the world is watching. They want to impress, and even if they miss a penalty, they will still feel like they have lost it all.

Just remember if you start bad mouthing what someone does, just be prepared for them to say “Well you do it better”, Something that Rebecca Adlington pretty much said when she won Bronze, “I have just won Bronze in one of the hardest sports, I have done very well, Not many people can say that”.

Can you?

 

Today: The Fantastic 4

3 Aug

August 3rd 2012

Calories consumed 1410

Sit ups completed 200

Other toning exercises 200

Blogging on harriparf completed

That is 4 stars earned today on my star chart! My own personal record whilst other world records are being broken at the London 2012 Olympic games.

It was a burst of Energy that inspired me today, I felt I just had to achieve it and so I did!

Tomorrow will be a bit more of a challenge, I’m currently on my best streak for saving calories (2 days…) So I’m hoping tomorrow I will continue my trend!

I’m doing something a bit different to what I previously did, I’m not minusing the calories I use up from exercise, So I’m literally only looking at what I consume. I’m trying to burn between 200 and 500 calories a day from walking and running, I use my ipod as a pedometer and do about 4500 steps a day without running, which is pretty poor! 

I would say I’m aiming for 10000 a day, but I’m not sure how I could manage that. But it could be something I aim to do whilst I’m on holiday!

Monday is the next weigh in day, so I will find out how this week has gone after work, I have been well behaved all week so I’m really hoping for a loss!! 

I’m also trying to do the whole ‘ask yourself if you are really hungry or not’ thing, however I like food to much. But I did resist the second packet of quavers that fell out the macing today, and resisted more fruit just because it was there and healthy. Upward battle, but I’m beginning to push back!

I was back on my tablets today, after having 2 days off. I spent the first half of the day feeling high as a kite, and not really with it, or myself, but I am feeling more normal now. 2 days off again from tomorrow So expect a sad post over the weekend. But an honest one at least!