Tag Archives: Mental Health

Today: 11 days without Citalopram

12 Sep

Now you may remember I have previously posted about my issues with anxiety and the tablets that I have been slowly coming off for the past six weeks.

A week ago last Saturday I couldn’t face taking a tablet. So I didn’t, I did this everyday, and have made it everyday for 11 days.

I’m having random twitches but apart from that, I’m coming off them well. My head feels a bit clearer and I think I’m getting to a more ‘normal’ place. At least if you ignore my loss of appetite and my even more intolerant personality.

I’m just less patient at the moment. But after all the panic attacks, previous withdrawals and going back on my tablets, these symptoms are the best.

The worst I’ve had? The onset of panic attacks, lower limb weakness and severe sickness.

I’m making it through the other side thankfully, and this time I plan on staying there.

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Today: The Episode

15 Aug

Those who have suffered panic attacks will know where I come from in the following blog post. I hope those who don’t know what it’s like read the following and gain an understanding of what we have to go through.

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I was on the final day off on my withdrawal programme for my tablets, which is one day on, two days off, I had been feeling a bit twitchy all day – suffering minor spasms which make my tummy knot up for about a second before relaxing out again, however I wasn’t feeling ‘right’.

It got to the evening and I was moody, my moods are all over the place when I am not on my tablets, and poor Charlie gets the brunt of it as I hold off it all at work. The Olympics were playing their ‘inspirational stories’ as it was the Sunday of the closing ceremony, something, I don’t know what, set me off, and I just went into our room to calm down, cry a bit, recover and to just have some alone time.

Unfortunately this didn’t happen.

I sat on the edge of the bed and could feel tears coming down my face, except I couldn’t. It’s hard to explain but the best way I can is that I was just numb, emotionally I couldn’t understand why I was numb, physiically I could feel everything, but it was like their was a blanket wrapped around me, I could feel the pressure, but nothing else. The only way I thought I could snap myself out of it was slapping myself across the face, a reasonable thought as this is what happens in TV shows.

What happened next I wasn’t expecting, I got angry.

I felt like I wanted to punch something, So I did. I punched my chest of drawers, and for 10 fleeting seconds it was like reality hit. I could sense things feel things again. My heart was still racing and after these 10 seconds I started getting the twitchy feelings again, and my hands started to curl and cramp and the blanket swept over me again.

It was all these noises and me sobbing that caused Charlie to come in. Supportive as ever, I just couldn’t explain what I was (or in this case wasn’t feeling) So I snapped out, but instead of a slap across my face It was my own fist that hit the side of my face, it made my ears ring I hit that hard.

Charlie acted instinctively and held my arms above my head, looking horrified. How could I do that to myself? Looking back I can’t imagine doing that to myself. I just cried. I buried my face into him and tried to scream, but I couldn’t. I just screached out hot air. not even making a noise.

I continued until my twitching stopped, and all I could do was cry. I got up and Charlie took me to the sofa, I played a mine numbing game on his phone until i felt my heart rate coming down.

This was the worst episode I think I have had. I wasn’t sick or felt sick, I wanted to hurt myself.

Would you call it hurting yourself? I was trying to feel again, trying to get through this invisible blanket surrounding me, stopping me from having any of my senses.

It freaked me out, and since I am off on holiday next week I am even more freaked out it will happen there, which when you suffer with anxiety disorders, the worst thing that can happen is being anxious about being anxious. I just have to stick it out. I want to come off the tablets, and I am getting better, I honestly don’t know what happened.

All I know is that I hope it doesn’t happen again.

Today: Just one of those days

5 Jun

Have you ever just woken up and just not been able to cheer up?

Today I had everything I have wanted for the past 3 months. Charlie to wake up to, bottle of water by my bed, bacon sarnie and a cuppa for brekkie and I had nothing planned for the day. This to most people [replace charlie with appropriate partner, this one is MINE!] is perfect.

And it was. blissful, gorgeous and just relaxing. I just couldn’t bring a smile to my face.

I think it has to do with a few reasons, all of which exasperate my panic disorder. which is shit.

  • We can’t do anything today. It’s a bank holiday so us doing house viewings or bank stuff has just been thrown out of the window [I now have a stupid furrow on my forehead and am progressively getting angrier]
  • There is stuff that needs to be done before the house viewings and we can’t. (see above)
  • We can’t look at furniture because we don’t know how big our flat is going to be because we can’t view any flats because we can’t sort a joint account out because it’s a bank holiday.
  • We can’t sort bills out
  • We can’t move out
  • We live in a little room to escape songs of praise
  • We can’t do wedding stuff because we haven’t sorted our house out yet
  • Today is a fat day
  • The BBC are ruining the jubilee (seriously… EVERY CHANNEL?)
  • I just want to feel like I’m doing something
  • I can’t possibly comprehend eating cous cous and salad for an entire week again because I will go mad.
  • My tummy hurts.
  • I think I have an intolerance to something because it’s only after bread and pasta that my tummy hurts.
  • I really REALLY want a McDonalds. Large meal, chicken McNuggets, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • Every little thing is annoying me

Weight loss is stagnant at 11st  7lbs. And it is not shifting. Soon I will just be having meal replacement milkshakes for every meal. So I’m also sad about that. But the mirror teases me, it makes me think I’m thin, then if I’m out I will catch the size of my tum/bum/thunder thighs and then feel like having a burger.

Charlie has said he will help me plan tonight, I will hold him to it. I will also secretly start a count as to how many cups of tea I get given, since we are now together in the same place I wonder if there will be more than the one I have to beg for on saturday mornings…

Point of this post was that I am genuinely just a miserable tit today. However blogging has helped. I think I will do this more often. Gym post tomorrow probably, got many plans for blogs, just none have appeared, it’s also the Canadian GP this weekend. Wonder how many pointless student protests there will be at this event.

This week has to be better. It’s only 3 days long. THREE DAYS. I can survive that right? I’ll also talk about my meal plan for the week tomorrow, and tell you all about how wonderful I feel about MORE SALAD. Lunches are fun…. nooooot.