Tag Archives: Panic Disorder

Today: 11 days without Citalopram

12 Sep

Now you may remember I have previously posted about my issues with anxiety and the tablets that I have been slowly coming off for the past six weeks.

A week ago last Saturday I couldn’t face taking a tablet. So I didn’t, I did this everyday, and have made it everyday for 11 days.

I’m having random twitches but apart from that, I’m coming off them well. My head feels a bit clearer and I think I’m getting to a more ‘normal’ place. At least if you ignore my loss of appetite and my even more intolerant personality.

I’m just less patient at the moment. But after all the panic attacks, previous withdrawals and going back on my tablets, these symptoms are the best.

The worst I’ve had? The onset of panic attacks, lower limb weakness and severe sickness.

I’m making it through the other side thankfully, and this time I plan on staying there.

Today: The Early Demise?

1 Aug

So on my usual troll of the BBC News website, I found myself come across an expectedly dramatic title:

Mild Mental Illness ‘Death risk‘”

Now, as I suffer from Panic disorder, something which I have spoken about before – think depression, but more intense spouts of panic and anxiety instead, for no reason – and something I think I will continue to speak openly on this blog about.

This did infact send me into one of those sinking feelings, and reading through I was skeptical. Are the percentages in context? Is this from a reputable source?

Dr Tom Russ said: “The fact that an increased risk of mortality was evident, even at low levels of psychological distress, should prompt research into whether treatment of these very common, minor symptoms can modify this increased risk of death.”

I did a huge google search of a Dr Tom Rush  and have discovered he is who he says he is in the video clip so I would say the source is confirmed, however since I don’t subscribe to the British Medical Journal, I can’t check the paper for more detail.

Should I be worried? Well, considering the risk of a premature death is increased by 16% – 67% (lowest level of stress to highest) I would put myself at 25% more likely, as I only have attacks when I’m off my tablets, and I don’t care what the doctor says, Charlie can tell, and I can feel it when I have forgotten my Citalopram, I become more snappy and stressed.

But being 25% closer to death when the age we are living to is an ever increasing number isn’t that scary. I’d be quite happy to make it to 80.

This does start to make me question whether I should come off my Citalopram, since I had my first prescription I have since halved my dosage (over 4 years), and the doctor now thinks I should come off it. But if I come off it and become more stressed and anxious, then wouldn’t that just be an increase on the risk of my early demise?

If the BBC article is to be taken literally, then the work I have done to bring my life back to normality and to work my way off the tablets and learn to cope with the increased stress and anxiety will not be worth it. I don’t want an increased level in stress or anxiety, it can totally ruin you. Nights out? You can get wound up by just being in the room with lots of people. Have guests coming round? Just the thought of entertaining and everything having to be perfect can send you over the edge, especially when it doesn’t all go to plan (eg under-cooked veg can upset you). Taking exams? – Forget the 2:1 you promised yourself, the inner battle you have to face to just to calm your brain down to retain the information is hard enough, a battle I wish I hadn’t tried to fight alone.

Not talking about it is one of the bigger battles. Everyone wonders what’s wrong, and all they can see is you struggling, and after a while it’s all they expect of you. I wish I had told Uni about it because then I could have got more help. Even though at the time I thought I was getting the best care from my GP (the best GP I have ever had!).

Thankfully I have Charlie now, he thinks I should try and come off the tablets, One day on Two days off then less.

I’m still not sure if I should be putting myself through this stress, especially as I snap at the smallest thing and then get even more anxious and unnecessarily stressed at the thought that I am driving him away. I’m kind of stuck as to where to go now, follow my GPs instructions? Or follow my body rejecting withdrawal and the drive to my early demise and just keep on the tablets, which seem to be keeping my sanity and emotions in check..

Today: Just one of those days

5 Jun

Have you ever just woken up and just not been able to cheer up?

Today I had everything I have wanted for the past 3 months. Charlie to wake up to, bottle of water by my bed, bacon sarnie and a cuppa for brekkie and I had nothing planned for the day. This to most people [replace charlie with appropriate partner, this one is MINE!] is perfect.

And it was. blissful, gorgeous and just relaxing. I just couldn’t bring a smile to my face.

I think it has to do with a few reasons, all of which exasperate my panic disorder. which is shit.

  • We can’t do anything today. It’s a bank holiday so us doing house viewings or bank stuff has just been thrown out of the window [I now have a stupid furrow on my forehead and am progressively getting angrier]
  • There is stuff that needs to be done before the house viewings and we can’t. (see above)
  • We can’t look at furniture because we don’t know how big our flat is going to be because we can’t view any flats because we can’t sort a joint account out because it’s a bank holiday.
  • We can’t sort bills out
  • We can’t move out
  • We live in a little room to escape songs of praise
  • We can’t do wedding stuff because we haven’t sorted our house out yet
  • Today is a fat day
  • The BBC are ruining the jubilee (seriously… EVERY CHANNEL?)
  • I just want to feel like I’m doing something
  • I can’t possibly comprehend eating cous cous and salad for an entire week again because I will go mad.
  • My tummy hurts.
  • I think I have an intolerance to something because it’s only after bread and pasta that my tummy hurts.
  • I really REALLY want a McDonalds. Large meal, chicken McNuggets, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • Every little thing is annoying me

Weight loss is stagnant at 11st  7lbs. And it is not shifting. Soon I will just be having meal replacement milkshakes for every meal. So I’m also sad about that. But the mirror teases me, it makes me think I’m thin, then if I’m out I will catch the size of my tum/bum/thunder thighs and then feel like having a burger.

Charlie has said he will help me plan tonight, I will hold him to it. I will also secretly start a count as to how many cups of tea I get given, since we are now together in the same place I wonder if there will be more than the one I have to beg for on saturday mornings…

Point of this post was that I am genuinely just a miserable tit today. However blogging has helped. I think I will do this more often. Gym post tomorrow probably, got many plans for blogs, just none have appeared, it’s also the Canadian GP this weekend. Wonder how many pointless student protests there will be at this event.

This week has to be better. It’s only 3 days long. THREE DAYS. I can survive that right? I’ll also talk about my meal plan for the week tomorrow, and tell you all about how wonderful I feel about MORE SALAD. Lunches are fun…. nooooot.